I am just shy of 4 weeks away from surgery. When you hit the 30 day out mark there is a whole list of things that need to be done. A pre-op appointment that includes chest x-ray, blood work, abdomen CTA scan, ekg...etc.. all very practical. But I really need to get in the right head space for this countdown. I feel like there is a delicate balance between practical medical vs practical emotional. .
So here is the actual procedure I will be having on December 6, with the explanation from the Johns Hopkins website Prophylactic Bilateral Mastectomy with Direct to Implant DIEP reconstruction.
There is no amount of testimonies or FB support group conversations/photos that can really prepare me for this mentally. It is major surgery and there is no dodging that. The first 24 hours (at least) I will be in the ICU. And then, everything after that all depends on how my body chooses to react to all of the changes. I have never been a risk taker or gambler, and this feels like a risk and a gamble of my whole life. I have decided to make a list of my concerns and fears and the risk associated so that I can try to logic my way out of some of this nervousness.
1. 8-12 hours under anesthesia. (obviously I would prefer to be under as opposed to not), but this seems like a such a VAST amount of time for my body to be under that amount of stress. I have tolerated anesthesia before, but never for very long!
2. I will be cut up like Jack the Ripper got to me-intentionally! Not only will entire parts of my body be cut away, the parts that remain will be beat up pretty good ( for hours!) and will take weeks to recover, like 8 not 2.
3. There is a strong chance that I will lose my nipples. (Yes, losing nipples is probably better than the alternative of losing life, I understand.) But it is weird. I don't care what anyone says, it is weird.
4. They will legit be pulling my skin down to a whole new place. (How is that even possible?!) Just take the skin that previously covered upper ab, to pull it down like a WINDOW SHADE, so that it makes up for all of the skin that will be removed prior to all of the tissue that will be removed. (AHHHHHH!!!)
5. There is a chance that any or all of it could fail. My tissue that has been moved might just be like-Fuck you, I like it where I was, I was comfortable there, blood flow was never threatened, I was where God intended me to be, Who do you think you are moving body tissue around like a magical deity?
6. If it does fail...shit will just die. It will DIE. Parts of my body previously ALIVE and well, will DIE. You know darn well that is some scary shit.
7. After all of that, they will send me home with at least 4 drains attached to all of the messy parts that will STAY attached to all of the sore parts, for 1-2 weeks (maybe more?). Of which I will have to try to figure out how to live with all of those drains hanging off of my body. (Super CUTE)
8. Isn't that really enough to make you go hmmmmmm...? But then I will be missing all of that work, missing out on walking my dog, and lingering in my house for long periods of time, alone.
UGGHHHH.
Since I started this game of what if, I have to play it all the way out, it is one of my life rules, if I start to spiral about what "might" happen in a negative manner, I MUST also look at it from the positive side. What if all things go perfectly and according to plan? That is a different narrative.
1. They could get the surgery done in record time because my surgeons are so skilled and experienced that it is was a piece of cake for them!
2. After all of the cutting I might be skinnier and shapelier than I have been in many years! Duh, who doesn't want that?!
3. My doctors could again knock it out of the park and spare my nipples and it will look totally "normal", OR they do more reconstruction later and I get to "pick out" new nipples that they just create or tattoo on.
4. A tummy tuck is a tummy tuck, right? If this goes completely according to plan I will lose my muffin top and several pounds in the process! Who doesn't want that?
5. There is a chance (which is actually higher than the failure rate) that everything will be perfect and my body graciously welcomes new body parts to new areas and the blood supply flows freely, and it all looks new and fresh like a 20 something year old!
6. New skin, even if from a cadaver or pig, might genuinely be nicer than my current skin. Who knows!
7. The drains might effectively do their job and they could get out much sooner and make me mobile more quickly! I could attend holiday parties and such.
8. I can use my time healing to really heal, not think about the things I can't control, like work, or walking my dog, and just enjoy the beauty of how miraculous it is that a body can withstand ALL of that and still be strong and viable in just a few short weeks!
I think I got myself back on course here for the most part. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't still scared. Those are scary things, regardless of degree of pain and success, it just is.
So today the countdown ticker is at 26 days and swiftly moving toward that Dec. 6 date, with my thoughts moving at a similar pace.
So, I will try to concentrate on the things that I can control, eating well, staying healthy and strong, being prepared. And take the biggest gamble of my life that I will come out on the other side cancer-free and with a sense of control and power that I didn't wait for cancer to come to me, I kicked its ass before it even had a chance to arrive.
Peace and blessings,
kgc
