The head and the heart.

I am not a Total stranger to losing body parts, my gal bladder departed in 2007 (good riddance, nothing but trouble that one) and in 2015 I lost the L5S1 disc in my back.  But those things have 1 really important thing in common, they weren't visible and they were relatively easy compared to the surgeries I have coming up.

As a perpetual life long learner, I have been studying, researching, questioning everyone and everything that I think might potentially help prepare me for this big procedure.  In doing so, I have found my way into a few Facebook support groups, they are simultaneously terrifying and comforting.  In my limited experience so far, I have found that the majority of people who post in these groups do so because they are facing some setback or hardship.  (#BraveWomen) Remarkably, the other women in the group often have sound advice and experience to help allay fears and determine emergencies from normalities of healing. And they are FAST.  I am relieved I have found a place that I know will be there for me if (when?) I struggle with these same issues.
However, the downside to this community is that people really ONLY post when they are in a state of panic or pain.  Nobody really goes on and says, Hey ya'll, everything went picture perfect, exactly as expected and I didn't have a single obstacle.  I totally get why, it might be hard to digest for some of the people who are really struggling, and really if things are going according to plan, how much support do you really need?  That makes perfect sense.  Unfortunately for me, that means that my FB feed is disproportionately filled with extreme complications and gruesome pictures of infected or mutilated body parts.  UGGGHHH.  It is a hard place to be in, because intellectually I completely understand the dynamic at work here.  But my brain is like, ummm whoa.  This is not good, who knew that was even a thing?! WHAT ARE WE DOING? Is it too late to back out?
My brain can race ahead of me a bit from time to time and I have to reel it back in like a prize winning fish on a hook.  And it fights back, just like said fish.  So then my self talk is like this:

Logic: You are seeing disproportionate results.
Brain: NO, RUN, NOW, DANGER, this NEVER Turns out ok!
Logic: Well, that is a generalization that is actually not true.
Brain: I AM LOOKING AT AN INFECTED NIPPLE with NECROSIS!!
Logic: Yes, sometimes that happens, it doesn't mean it will happen to us.
Brain:  EVERY POST MENTIONS something TERRIBLE, ALL OF THEM!
Logic: See above disproportionate results.
Brain: SHOW ME PROOF!
Logic: Ok, so there are thousands of members in this group and only a few post about the problems, all of the other members are quiet because they are sailing through their daily life back at work, back in the "normal" world.
Brain: OR THEY GOT SEPSIS AND DIED
Logic: They didn't.
Brain: HOW DO YOU KNOW?
Logic: Because hospitals wouldn't be doing this multiple times per day, every day, all around the country. Completely Safe. Like flying vs. driving.  Safer, actually.
Brain: I DON"T TRUST PLANES EITHER.
Logic: That is silly, now you are just being a brat.

So, you can see how this might stir up a bit of anxiety in my heart that is watching this dialogue like a Wimbledon tennis match spectator who can't decide who they are supposed to cheer for.  #MyPoorHeart

Finally, my logic got the best of me (STOP YELLING BRAIN!), and decided to post in the group and just say, Hey, newbie here, 5 weeks out from surgery, would love to hear some success stories, especially ones from Johns Hopkins with Dr. __________.

GUESS WHAT?!  THEY RESPONDED WITH ALL OF THE POSITIVITY I NEEDED!!
Logic: Told you so!
Brain: Ok, for now I will stand down. FOR NOW.

Turns out I just had to ask for what I needed.  But asking for what you need is REALLY HARD.  Because, I am like, really tough.  So tough.  Wonderwoman Tough.
UUGGHH the universe life lesson thing AGAIN? 
I know, I know, tough people ask for help, blah blah blah.  But not my level tough.  Superhero tough, did I mention that?

So, as much as I have been putting out there on my blog that yes, I am going to accept help ( there really isn't a choice in this situation), what and how I ASK for will be the hard part, for me.

I have already set up the stuff I know must be done, parents at the hospital, post hospital at my sister's house, maybe the occasional home nurse a time or two when I return home, and care for my dog (although still working on that one).

But my very smart life friend  from college, Julie, said to me the other night on the phone (with her guidance counselor/Superintendent superpowers), Kris, you have to plan for being lonely. Ummm what? Nah, I am good, I live alone.
Julie: no friend, not the same thing.  You won't be driving anywhere, you won't be seeing people at work, you won't even see people in your neighborhood walking your dog.
BRAIN: FUCK, WE DID NOT PLAN FOR THIS!
Logic: Julie makes an excellent point, we might want to ask for help with this.
BRAIN: WAIT, MORE HELP?! I HATE ASKING FOR HELP! I AM A BIG GIRL, I CAN DO THIS.
Logic: Julie is definitely correct, maybe she can help.
BRAIN: ALREADY?! WE ARE ASKING FOR HELP ALREADY?! WHAT IF IT IS AN INCONVENIENCE TO PEOPLE?!
Logic: Then they will say no, and someone else will say yes.
BRAIN: HOW DO YOU KNOW?!
Logic: Because people love us and they already are supporting us. People want to help, sometimes they just don't know how, they need some direction.
Heart: Umm Yeah, what Logic Said.
Brain: Hmmmmm
Logic: I bet if you didn't accept help you might actually hurt THEIR feelings!
Brain: I don't want ANYONE to have hurt feelings!
Logic: So we know what needs to happen.
Brain: We have to be willing to accept help and ask for when needed.
Logic: yep.
Heart: Yep!
Brain: (sad puppy eyes) OK.

This might sound slightly psychotic, but it is just like allegory, or hyperbole, both I think.
It isn't out loud. I am aware that these parts of me don't actually talk.
But it does represent how difficult prophylactic medical decisions can be, it is hard to commit.
And if you know me at all, you know I struggle with commitment. (probably a few of you out there laughing at me and my commitment struggles because you know me so well) #MiddleNameWhat

So already it feels hard, even though I am still 5 weeks away from what I know will ACTUALLY be the hard part.  And I have done all of the research, I have armed myself with knowledge, vitamins, extra protein, giving up caffeine (uggh sorry work friends).  And the numbers are actually IN MY FAVOR.
And I have friends and family who want to help.  And that part feels good, if I let it.
Heart: YES!!
So, thank you Julie Scully, for your infinite wisdom, and your willingness to take time off from work, just to come down and be with me (from 2 states away!), so I am not so lonely.  And for all the other things you offered, we will just start there for now.
Brain: Damn, we have good friends!
Logic: Yes we do Brain, and Family too!
Heart: I never doubted it.

Peace and blessings all,
KGC